I copyrighted my songs today!
For years… too many years… making music felt like pulling teeth. Even as a young violinist… age 10. All of a sudden, depression weighed itself down on my neck like a lodestone, and I, young and inarticulate, fell into despair.
Since then, music was my kryptonite. Quit for a couple of years in high school, resumed. College, burnout, psychosis. Quit. Started teaching violin. Started writing songs. Psychosis. Quit violin. Quit writing.
What it always should have been.
It always should have been me, carrying a notebook of staff paper, scrawling ideas in pencil while riding the bus. It always should have been me, practicing on my guitar, noodling around just for the sake of noodling.
For far too long, music has been a means to an end. A competition. Such it was as a classical musician. Never practicing, except before orchestral auditions. “Winning” first chair. “Winning” scholarships. “Winning” the favor of the private teacher, who would “reward” me with the words, “Let’s start a new piece.”
I was zealous, but soon became disenchanted. Classical music only goes so far. You have to sort of be an uncreative type, ultimately, to thrive in that business. Because…
You’re playing 200-year-old covers! And you’re not even improvising or changing anything!
It would frustrate me, in my lessons, how teachers would say, “Play this part playfully.” I would think, playfully? Who cares?
I’ve said this before: playing music is much like typing on a computer. You put your fingers down at the right times, and the music comes out. As for “expression,” that is purely up to the chance of motor skills. The aptitude of the player.
This topic is boring.
I am much happier, musically, when I write my own shit. I realize that I’m a good writer too. I don’t have to have the approval from any professor or whatever. I can just be myself. You couldn’t pay me to play in an orchestra ever again. Last time I tried, in 2008, I was literally FALLING ASLEEP during rehearsals. It worked even better than Clozapine. DAMN.
Anyway, now that I’ve copyrighted my songs, I will share one with you:
I play this one often, as a sort of meditation. It makes me feel grounded and centered. It also makes me feel good about myself as a writer of music. I have to acknowledge the fact that, when I write, or get inspiration… I can’t take credit for it. It comes from elsewhere.
That idea could go further, but I prefer not to travel down that road for now. Let’s just listen and enjoy.