Music… Time to Say Goodbye? How?

Another nervous day.  I’m afraid this post will be boring…

I saw a new therapist today, and he told me that I have to “relax.”  We figured that I’m always ALWAYS thinking, and it makes me exhausted.

My job performance has been less accurate lately.

I took a job at a local music school.  To make some extra money, to get back into it.

Can I do it?  Or should I give up?

I’m trying to listen to music now, to just get back into it.  But maybe, music is my alcohol.  That one drink, and I’m gone.  But then, things like “music therapy” puzzle me.  Music is “so healing.”  And yet for me?  Is it dangerous?  Why?  Why!!!??

I want to be normal.  I want to get to the point where I can live a life, where I can hide my illness, and that it won’t make a difference if I disclose or if I don’t.

Really though, is this the best thing?  I guess.  It gets to a certain point that, when we reach towards recovery, we have to leave “the past” behind.

But can I leave it behind?  Can I?

I have aspirations to maybe become a “music therapist.”  But that could be a death sentence for me.

I wish I could ask other people for advice.  What should I do?  I don’t know what to do… tell me.  Please.  I’m begging you.  But I realize, I can’t.  I’m turning 30 in November.  I don’t have the luxury of being young and inquisitive anymore, at least outside of a classroom.  I can’t ask people anymore, How do you do ___?  How can I do what you do?

I don’t know if I’m reaching a new point of transition, or if I have just reached the pinnacle of what I’m capable of, and that I should just stay where I am.

Maybe I should stay here.  Right here.  I started teaching music classes on Saturdays, at a local music store, to earn some extra cash.  My mother told me that I should keep the job… she’s really disappointed that I squandered my money on that woman who said she was going to heal me of the “demons.”

Gee… she preyed on my need for guidance, didn’t she?  I am afraid to make decisions for myself, so I deferred to her and her “psychic wisdom”… and I piddled the money away.

Should I stop?  I need to… prove to myself that I can keep my job for the long term.  I was thinking of applying to get a masters in music therapy for next year but… I’m not ready.  And I don’t know if I can do it, honestly.  And, if a full year passes, I have the opportunity to apply to get a masters in social work from Hunter, and my job might pay for it.  Maybe that is a better idea.


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