Today started off pretty rough. I did a morning workout, and my mind was marbles. Just not feeling it today. And then as the day wore on, I started freaking, freaking, freaking. One of those anxiety attacks where I think that everything I’ve worked for, all the successes I’ve had recently… it’ll all be taken away from me again.
Why am I so afraid?
I had the biggest breakdown of my life 3 years ago. I descended into a world where I thought I was the Anti-Christ. The most evil, sinister being ever known to mankind, and beyond even. I knew that I was responsible for the suffering of everything that has ever lived, and that I belonged in hell. My mind kept replaying my punishment in hell, as if I was already there. I was stuck, tumbling over and over and over, unable to control my body.
Now, I have a full-time job, and I am not in danger of losing it. It’s the best job ever! Ups and downs, but that’s normal. But sometimes, I walk around with anxiety in my head. Right now, I’m freaking out over my sexuality. OMG, I’m gay. OMG, I’m trans. OMG, I’m straight? Ok maybe I’m bi. Over and over and over again.
But do I have to have an answer to this question? Even if I had “an answer,” would I feel better? Wiser? Happier? An answer is just one little word. And I don’t think one little word can make me feel better.
I recently got a new therapist who is sort of a genius. Every time I go in, I talk about fear over my sexuality. He addressed it for about 2 sessions, where he simply said, “You can have thoughts, but you choose to act on them or not. You’re in control.”
And then last time when I saw him, I brought up the sexuality thing, and then he just totally changed the subject. Bam! We didn’t talk about it at all. We just tackled something else.
You know what? It felt good to talk about something else! I got to talk about something else that didn’t feel like sticking needles into my eyes. I felt less stuck, and more as if I was making progress.
I really think this has helped. During this week, I’ve actually become less fearful of addressing and accepting my sexuality! It’s so weird how this happens… instead of trying to solve a problem, I leave it alone and focus on something else, and then the original problem starts to work itself out!
I think this is a big part of unlearning schizophrenia for me. Meaning, this is a big way for me to unlearn the fears of my past, and forge ahead into new ground. Confident ground.