I’m very pissed. About a couple of weeks ago, I realized that I was the victim of a scam, and had to tear myself away. I wrote about it in my previous entry here on this blog. Since the end of February this year, I had been seeing a woman for psychic services. Only until a couple of weeks ago, I had been seeing her once or twice every week. Over the course of this time, I had paid her over $9,000 for items that I mostly never received. I had been keeping it a secret, all this time. And then I cracked, thankfully. I told my friends, and I made my … suffering… public, by posting about it here on this blog, and on Facebook.
Sometimes, people say that I am too open and frank about my life. That I post too much about myself. But for me, this is actually my protection. Because on Facebook, that is where I keep contact with all my friends. I’ve been an active user solidly since 2009. I type very very fast, so as a result, I’m able to chat frequently with many people, and so I have forged many friendships. I’ve also made friends with people abroad, specifically from Germany and Tunisia, by using a very lovely website called Interpals. It’s a hidden gem of the internet that I recommend to the skies.
When I came out about this woman’s fraud on Facebook… instantly, I became accountable. No longer was I intimidated by her to keep the secret, for fear that it would “interfere with our spiritual work.” Instead, I had a small army of friends behind me. And so this single woman’s words lost power over me, little by little.
I’ll admit, I was scared at first. I was scared that this woman was *right*. This woman told me that my delusions (me thinking I’m the Anti-Christ) were simply evidence that I had demons that needed to be removed… and that if I didn’t remove them, with her help… I’d end up in the hospital again. She also told me that these demons were dragging me down, and that they even had my afterlife. And that I needed her help to save myself.
I guess I’m being repetitive from my last entry. But I’m ultimately trying to make a different point here.
Last week, I was in shambles, trying to make sense of this. I talked to a lot of friends online, and they all told me she was garbage. And this strengthened my spirit. I realize, that if someone wants to get in with me and my WALLET… it’s gotta go through my friends first. All of them. It’s like that Spice Girls song: “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends.” Really. Any person that drops into my life, saying we’re “soul mates” for whatever reason… uh uh. Hell no. If you want to be my friend, stop right there, friend me on Facebook, and then respond to my posts like everyone else, and see if you move up in the ranks.
People lament Facebook as the end of civilized communication. But for me, it’s a boon. It makes maintaining meaningful friendships a much quicker and efficient process.
What am I trying to say anyway?
Well… I’ve made good improvement from being in shambles, I think. No longer am I shaking and taking Ativans. Of course, mental illness always has a lovely way of getting fixed in one area, only to re-emerge elsewhere. Namely, last night, I had a dream that my brother was Jesus, and I was the Anti-Christ. This, the night after a (real-life) conversation, where my brother patronized me for being overbearing. It’s true, I take things to heart to the n-th degree. Definitely too much.
I’ve decided though, that I have to do something, in order to not be so crippled by bad thoughts, whether about the woman or about being the Anti-Christ. What can I do?
In order to make a negative thought have less power over me, I need to saturate my life with so much fucking meaning, that the negative thought becomes small in comparison to everything else around it, and then it simply gets lost in the wash.
That sounds difficult to do, especially if you are struggling with depression or self-doubt. For me today, that sounds hard too.
But… this is where my Facebook friends come in. Because when I feel like shit, I just strike up a convo with someone who is willing to listen. It can be a 3 line convo too, nothing major. Whatever you’re comfortable with.
You might have a question: How do I get started in using Facebook as a way to develop a social support system? I don’t have any friends now…
My recommendations? No idea, because you are your own person. But I can tell you what I did, and that can give you ideas:
- Use Interpals. As strange as it sounds, this is an amazing site. It’s a place where people from all different countries, from all over the world, write to one another. Some people are interested in practicing their language skills with native speakers, all sorts of languages. Others just want pen pals. The people there are friendly, and it’s a good way to just practice writing to people about what you enjoy. Interests, etc.
- Transfer those friends to Facebook, so that you can streamline communicating with them into the same place where you communicate with the other people in your life.
- Use the internet to find people and/or events that are connected to things you’re interested in. I admit, I myself am a hater of Meetup.com. In my early and mid 20s, I hated that same campiness that dripped from every single meetup event I attended, even though they were of many different interests. And now, approaching 30, I am starting to become older than most of the participants. The twittering of meeting unexpected people has morphed from exciting to blasé.
- Instead: Just use Google. If you’re interested in open mics, like I was, go on a website like openmikes.org, and find open mics to go to. You’ll meet people there, and if you’re into it, you might have a chance to bond with some people, especially if you go regularly. I remember a few years ago, I was questioning my sexuality. So I went to some events at the Gay Center in the village, and that was a good way to explore that.
- Over time, even if you go from one community to the next, you’ll eventually accumulate a friend from that time, another friend from that era of your life… and then you have people that you enjoy and trust as well.
I hope this helps. Forgive me if this article is too “personal.” But whatever. I’m writing. Hopefully my suffering can help someone. That makes it worth the while. But I hope it stops soon. Or becomes manageable. Whatevs.